This article is a chapter from my book The Life Actionbook: Tools and Actions for Personal Development. The entire book will eventually be available on this website for free in web format, but if you prefer to read it in ebook or physical formats, you can find The Life Actionbook on Amazon.com (affiliate link).
You deal with many people over the course of a day. You interact with family, send e-mails, make business transactions, and answer phone calls. In each of your interactions, your social skills determine the outcome.
One common measure of social skills is Emotional Quotient (EQ). It measures emotional intelligence (EI) similar to how Intelligence Quotient (IQ) measures general intelligence. EQ is a measure of how well you can recognize your own and other people’s emotions. There are a few tests you can take to assess your EQ, but they are beyond the scope of this article. For this article, estimate your level of EQ by answering the following simple questions:
Question 1: Is it easy for you to make new friends?
Your Answer:
- Making friends is hard: 0 points.
- I’m average when it comes to making friends: 1 points.
- Making new friends is easy for me. I have lots of friends: 2 points.
Question 2: How well can you read other people’s nonverbal cues?
Your Answer:
- I have trouble understanding people: 0 points.
- I’m average: 1 point.
- I’m good at reading people: 2 points.
Question 3: How well do your boss, coworkers, and clients like you?
Your Answer:
- I don’t have many allies at work: 0 points.
- I am well-regarded: 1 point.
- I am a rockstar at my job: 2 points.
Add up all your points and see how you fared:
- 0-2 points: read this article now.
- 3-4 points: come back to this article later.
- 5-6 points: skip this article, you’re good.
The Importance of Relationships
Relationships form the foundation of our society. The way we interact with those around us and how we treat each other has an enormous impact on the quality of life we live. In fact, one of the most common regrets among the elderly is that they should have spent more time building relationships and less time working. If you build good relationships, you are more likely to lead a satisfying life.
To build solid relationships, you need to have solid social skills. It doesn’t matter if you’re introverted or extroverted. How you recuperate your energy isn’t a factor in developing social skills. Like any skill, it’s all about your technique and practice.
There are many facets to the broad category of social skills. It encompasses personal relationships, interactions with strangers, business negotiations, public speaking, and many others. How you handle interactions with other people will determine what you get out of them.
Like with any skill, you hone social skills by learning the techniques and practicing. This article will teach you some of the methods. It’s up to you to get outside of your comfort zone and practice them. Practice your social skills by joining groups, volunteering, participating in activities, and otherwise going where people gather. It is not a skill you can practice alone.
Social Skills Action #1: Get out more. Make it a point to get out of your house at least once a day and go somewhere where there are other people. Have at least one interaction with another human being every day. It can be as simple as buying a cup of coffee or sitting next to a stranger at the park.
Confidence
Confidence is what separates leaders from followers. People will only listen to those with confidence because it shows that they are sure of their message. Confident people are not always right, but they always feel that they are right. They are sure of it. And when people sense confidence in someone else, they are more likely to agree with what they say.
Confidence is difficult, if not impossible to fake. Your microexpressions and verbal nuances give away any lack of confidence that you have. Your voice may quiver. You may unknowingly glance around or shift in your position. Your stress levels rise as you struggle to maintain composure. That is why lie detector tests are so reliable. Unless you genuinely believe in what you say, your body will betray your lack of confidence.
The natural way to gain confidence is by getting enough experience so that you are sure of yourself. But there are also ways you can accelerate the process of building confidence. Here are some tricks:
Social Skills Action #2: Look the part. When you know you look like someone who knows what they’re doing, you will start to feel like you know what you’re doing. Dress and groom yourself like someone who knows what they’re doing. Stand tall. Smile. Taking care of the superficial is the closest you will come to faking confidence.
Social Skills Action #3: One part of confidence is experience. The other part is knowledge. While you can’t take shortcuts with experience, you can with knowledge. Learn as much as you can about your subject. You will instantly be more confident.
Social Skills Action #4: Take 20 minutes to visualize yourself being confident. Envision yourself in a positive situation where everything is going well.
Social Skills Action #5: Slow down. Speak slowly and assertively. Rushing creates the appearance of nervousness. Doing things slowly and deliberately creates the illusion that you’re sure of yourself even when you’re not.
Social Skills Action #6: Take care of yourself. Get plenty of rest and take time out to exercise.
Compromise
We are all unique. We each have different thoughts from one another. Because of this fact, we will disagree with each other on how to do things.
Answers are rarely black and white. For most problems, there are many solutions, but you must choose one. It is easy if you’re the only person making the decision, but things get tricky when more than one person is involved. It becomes necessary to compromise.
The business word for compromise is “negotiate.” Because when you compromise, you are negotiating, and when you negotiate, you are compromising. Even if you “win” a deal, you are compromising. The other party will remember. Karma will kick in. Your next deal will not come so easily.
When we compromise, we take a win-lose situation and attempt to make it a win-win. It is a way of optimizing a solution so that it provides the most benefit possible for everyone involved. Here are a few techniques for reaching a compromise:
Social Skills Action #7: Decide on your non-negotiables. You cannot compromise on certain things if you want a good result. Understanding your constraints is the first step in finding an optimal solution.
Social Skills Action #8: Find the middle ground and adjust from there. For example, a negotiation over property can begin with an even split of the property. An even split may not be the best solution, but it’s a fair starting point for negotiations.
Social Skills Action #9: Trust in karma. Sometimes, the best solution is to give up more than you receive. The other party may recognize that you made a sacrifice and be more willing to work with you on the next interaction.
Social Skills Action #10: Ask a neutral party to mediate and make the final decision. The neutral party should have no interest in the outcome. She should be a respected person known for being fair.
Communication
Communication is a two-way street. You can speak or write, but that is not communication. You can listen or read, but that is also not communication. You have to both deliver a message and receive feedback for it to be communication. While you communicate, you go back and forth. You deliver your message, then wait for feedback. Then you assess the feedback and give your response.
People judge you by how you communicate. That includes verbal and visual factors, and sometimes elements appealing to the other senses. It is a fact that people think more highly of you if you look and smell good. Those are the passive factors in communication. The active factors include what you say, how you say it, what you do while saying it, and how you listen.
Communication is a set of skills that you can improve with knowledge and practice. Here are a few things you should be mindful of when communicating:
Social Skills Action #11: Respect the person you are speaking with. People can sense it if you talk down to them. Remember that we are all human beings.
Social Skills Action #12: Keep your body language in mind while you communicate. What are you doing with your hands? Are you shifting your feet? Are you making any facial expressions? What is your posture?
Social Skills Action #13: Be conscious of unnecessary conversation fillers and verbal tics. Do you say “um” or “like” a lot? Are there words you overuse? Replace them with thoughtful pauses. It will make you appear more confident.
Social Skills Action #14: Make eye contact. It helps build a stronger connection and shows other people that you are paying attention to them. Similarly, put away distractions like your phone and give the person your full attention.
Social Skills Action #15: Stay positive. Nobody likes to listen to whining and complaining. They also don’t want to feel threatened when speaking with you.
Social Skills Action #16: Listen and don’t interrupt. Listen to what the other person is saying because you expect the same from them. Keep an open mind and try to see things from their perspective. Pay attention not only to what they are saying but also the non-verbal cues like facial expressions and body language.
Integrity
Everyone wants to surround themselves with people they trust. People will only work with others that they trust. Every relationship is built on a foundation of trust. So if you want to develop any relationship, you first have to build rapport.
The first step to being trustworthy is obvious. Don’t lie. When people know you as someone who is not hiding anything, they are more likely to bring you into their inner circle.
When you don’t lie, people will respect you. It follows that the next step to being trustworthy is for you to respect others. Remember that every person you meet is just another human being. Everyone you meet, whether a world leader, neighbor or homeless person, is another human being just like you. Every person has their own dreams, struggles, and experiences that made them who they are. Every person is somebody’s son or daughter, mother or father, sibling or best friend. We all share our humanity in common. Respect everyone you meet, no matter their position in the social hierarchy.
Here are a few tips for maintaining integrity and building rapport:
Social Skills Action #17: Show interest in others. People love to talk about themselves. Allow them the chance to talk about themselves, and they will often return the favor.
Social Skills Action #18: Smile. Smiling shows that you are a friend. It allows others to let their guard down because you are not a threat.
Social Skills Action #19: Get the person’s name and remember it. Use the person’s name when speaking with them.
Social Skills Action #20: Be helpful to others. People will not interact with you if they perceive it as a waste of time. How can you provide value to the other person? Make their problem your problem.
Social Skills Action #21: Give genuine compliments. If something about the other person impresses you, mention it. It’s probably no accident. Receiving praise might just make their day.
Social Skills Action #22: Speak slower. It gives you more credibility because it gives people more time to understand what you’re talking about.
Hacks
Social Skills Action #23: Become a human lie detector. An essential part of social skills is reading people. That includes knowing when someone is lying. While there are no rules that will determine lying with perfect accuracy, you can make a reasonable guess by paying attention to certain things. Here are some things to look out for that may indicate lying:
•A desire to change the subject or shut down the conversation.
•Moving hands to face. Adjusting clothing or nearby objects. Hiding the face or mouth. These fidgety behaviors signal anxiety or desire to obscure indications of lying.
•Carefully scripted responses may be indications of lying or hiding the whole story. Ask the same question three different ways and see how the answers compare.
•Non-congruent gestures like saying “yes” while shaking the head may indicate lies.
•Putting too much thought into answering an easy question. Pay attention to how much time it takes for someone to answer easy questions. “Did you break into my car yesterday?” If the answer comes after some thought, the person may be lying.
None of these are entirely accurate indicators of lying. Some people are good at lying. Others may act suspicious even when telling the truth because they are anxious. It is essential to establish a baseline for how the person behaves when telling the truth and, ideally, how they act when telling a lie.
Social Skills Action #24: Mirror others to build rapport. Everybody sees themselves as normal. If you want to build rapport with someone, try using their mood, language, and body language as your own. Pronounce words they same way they do. Stand with the same posture. Laugh when they do. They will like you better because you appear to be just like them.
Social Skills Action #25: Master the art of small talk. Keep a script in your head for various topics of conversation. Ask questions, because people love to talk about themselves. Whenever you want someone to elaborate and keep talking, repeat the person’s last few words: “That’s when I decided to go to Italy.” “Go to Italy?”
Social Skills Action #26: Use the “Yes, and…” technique. It is an improv comedy technique where you continue a line of conversation by accepting what the other person said and expanding upon it. It is useful in encouraging free sharing of ideas. For example, “Guns should be kept out of schools.” You might reply, “Yes, and there should also be metal detectors at every entrance.”
Supplements
While no supplement can provide you with social skills, some supplements can elevate your mood and reduce anxiety.
Social Skills Action #27: Try SAMe (S-Adenosyl-L-Methionine). SAMe is derived from an amino acid that occurs naturally in every human cell. It is often used to treat depression because it increases serotonin and dopamine production in the body.
Social Skills Action #28: Take Kava root pills. They are generally safe to take as long as you use them as directed. They can reduce anxiety.
Social Skills Action #29: Take omega-3 fatty acids like those found in fish oil. They may reduce bouts of depression. Omega-3 fatty acids are also essential for building brain cells.
Social Skills Action #30: Try valerian root, which is another ancient supplement that is also helpful for treating anxiety and insomnia because of its sedative effect.
Social Skills Action #31: Take 5-HTP (5-hydroxytryptophan). 5-HTP is extracted from an African woody shrub (Griffonia simplicifolia). It is often used to treat ADHD and anxiety.
Social Skills Action #32: Drink chamomile tea. It is a natural way of reducing anxiety.
Social Skills Action #33: Try taking St. John’s Wort. It helps your body produce serotonin to combat depression.
Social Skills Action #34: Drink green tea. It has blood pressure and heart rate leveling properties useful for fighting anxiety.
Social Skills Action #35: Take Brahmi (Bacopa monnieri). Brahmi is a natural nootropic that improves cognitive function. It may also boost motivation and reduce anxiety.
Social Skills Action #36: Try lemon balm, which is often used to ease digestive problems and headache pain. It can also reduce anxiety.
Social Skills Action #37: Take lavender to produce a powerful calming effect that may help relieve anxiety and depression.
Tools
Social Skills Action #38: Take public speaking courses. Toastmasters International (www.toastmasters.org) is the most well-known public speaking course. It is more of a club than a class. Members go to practice communication skills. Another public speaking course worth looking into is the Dale Carnegie (www.dalecarnegie.com) public speaking course. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett cites it as one of the most life-changing events of his life.
Social Skills Action #39: Use social media. In the United States, the two biggest social media platforms are Facebook (www.facebook.com) and Twitter (www.twitter.com). Making moderate use of those services can enhance your social life in the online space. However, spending too much time on them will have the opposite effect.
Social Skills Action #40: Use your smartphone. You don’t need to be face-to-face with someone to communicate. Remember the primary purpose of your smartphone. Call someone and chat. Skype (www.skype.com) is a good option for video calls. WhatsApp (www.whatsapp.com) might be the most popular messaging app in the world today (2017).
Social Skills Action #41: Use collaboration software. Collaboration software has made the world smaller. You no longer have to be in the same room with someone else to work with them. Popular choices for collaboration software include Slack (www.slack.com), Asana (www.asana.com), and Trello (www.trello.com).
Social Skills Action #42: Try Computer Voice Stress Analysis (CVSA). One tool you can use for helping determine if someone is telling the truth is CVSA. It is not as reliable as a polygraph test, but all you need is someone’s voice and the software. Search your device’s app store for “voice stress analyzer.” IOS users can search the Appstore for the Agile Lie Detector app.
Social Skills Action #43: Keep a gratitude journal. A lot of times, the thoughts and worries you have stuck in your head are the cause of your anxiety. Writing down the things you’re grateful for can reduce stress by forcing you to think of the positive things in life.
Social Skills Action #44: Try a local hookup app. If you’re looking for romantic relationships, dating apps like Tinder (www.tinder.com) or Coffee Meets Bagel (www.coffeemeetsbagel.com) can help you find a date. If you just want to find friends and socialize, try Meetup (www.meetup.com).
Resources
Social Skills Action #45: Visit websites that teach how to improve social skills.
- Improve Your Social Skills (www.improveyoursocialskills.com) is a comprehensive online guide to social skills.
- Succeed Socially (www.succeedsocially.com) is a free online guide to getting past social awkwardness.
- The Accidental Negotiator (www.theaccidentalnegotiator.com) is a blog written by a professional negotiator about how to use sales negotiation and persuasion skills effectively.
- The Urban Dater (www.theurbandater.com) is a blog about online dating, relationships, and sex.
Social Skills Action #46: Listen to podcasts about social skills.
- Social, with Jason T. Rogers, helps you become a better communicator.
- The Art of Charm, with Jordan Harbinger (www.theartofcharm.com), will make you a higher performer, a better networker, and a deeper connector.
- How to Talk To Girls Podcast, with Tripp Kramer, provides dating advice for men.
Social Skills Action #47: Read books on social skills. The following is a big list of books that are either very popular or that I have read and got a lot out of. I’ve included their full titles so you can look up the ones that appeal to you most. They are listed in no particular order:
- Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, by Robert B. Cialdini
- How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie
- How I Raised Myself from Failure to Success in Selling, by Frank Bettger
- Mate: Become the Man Women Want, by Tucker Max and Geoffrey Miller
- Confident You: An Introvert’s Guide to Success in Life and Business, by S.J. Scott and Rebecca Livermore
- No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life, by Robert A. Glover
- The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, by Neil Strauss
- What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People, by Joe Navarro and Marvin Karlins
- How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships, by Leil Lowndes
- The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism, by Olivia Fox Cabane
- The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People’s Gestures and Expressions, by Barbara Pease and Allan Pease
- Spy the Lie: Former CIA Officers Teach You How to Detect Deception, by Philip Houston, Michael Floyd, Susan Carnicero, and Don Tennant
- Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It, by Chris Voss and Tahl Raz
- Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, by Mark Goulston and Keith Ferrazzi
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