Razrushat!

Jeff Mazos was too easily swayed.

The world order was about to change and he had a chance to come out on top. It was an offer he couldn’t refuse.

Mazos’ company was already one of the biggest and most powerful in the world. Mazon Corporation had made Jeff Mazos the richest man in the world. Then a little over a year ago, Russia’s leader, Vlad Kaputin, reached out to him with his plan. It was a plan that would make Mazos the richest man in the world AND one of the powerful elites who could change the world. Riches are not enough. Riches and power are how you win the game.

You see, Mazon produced these little voice-controlled devices called “Malexa’s.” They were an instant hit and millions were sold across America. You could have one on your kitchen counter. If you wanted to instantly change the mood, you could simply say, “Malexa, play smooth jazz and dim the lights.” Then your Malexa device would play some smooth jazz music through its speakers and dim the lights in your kitchen. People loved it.

So, Kaputin offered Mazos absolute power and rule over a territory of Russia in exchange for the secret transfer of all Malexa manufacturing to Russia. The prospect of absolute rule over a territory in Russia was too good for Mazos to pass up, so he agreed. If riches and power were how you win the game, Jeff Mazos was about to win.

As per the agreement, Malexa manufacturing was transferred to Russia, and millions of the finished devices were smuggled into the United States by nighttime drone deliveries to Mazon’s warehouses. The shipments of Russian-made Malexa devices arrived just in time for Mazon to run an irresistible Black Friday promotion.

Black Friday is that peculiar semi-holiday in America where every retailer cranks up its marketing machine to 110% with a goal of selling out of all inventory weeks before Christmas so wealthy executives can take a long vacation to Dubai. And with FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) and KUWTJ (Keeping up with the Joneses) being integral parts of American culture, every working class American had to start their Christmas shopping on Black Friday.

Well, for their main Black Friday promotion this year, Mazon ran a promotion where if you just spent fifty dollars on their website, you would get a Malexa device for free. No kidding. I had to work at the hospital on Black Friday, so I happened to miss the promotion before all the Malexas were sold out. But don’t feel bad for me, because that’s also probably the reason why I’m still able to write this today.

Anyways, everything culminated into the day Americans will remember forever—January 2nd. On the night of January 2nd, an army of Russian drones (apparently the same drones that smuggled the Malexas into the U.S. in the first place) took to the skies and spread out across the entire country. Each drone stopped and hovered at a predetermined location at exactly 2:59 AM Eastern Time. Each drone had an sound amplifier attached to it. At exactly 3:00AM Eastern Time, each drone blasted an ultra loud command through its amplifiers: “Malexa, Razrushat!” In that instant, every Russian-made Malexa device in America exploded.

By January 9, Russia had invaded, conquered, and annexed the United States of America. Kaputin kept his word and made Jeff Mazos the Czar of the American Pacific Northwest, which is now technically a territory of Russia. I know it’s terrible, but at least now we all get free lifetime Mazon Prime memberships.